Hello Vince, are you stalking me?

And despite the fact that you're reading this, I'm going to go out on a limb because there's things I have to get out there. And no, sir, this is not an invitation for you to step in.

I am at a crossroads, my friends. My life is about to change drastically and most likely not for the best.

Let's start with a few facts about me, such as that I am extremely co-dependant. I'm not bossy and controlling, but I do wrap my entire life around any one person at a time. I am incapable of making my own decisions, and if there isn't that one person to lean on (relationship or not) I become numb at best, suicidal at worst. I thrive off of giving to others, of of buying and pampering people - generally guys because it's easier that way.

This has been all good and dandy for the most part, I usually flit from one person or another that knows me well; these people are my my two exes along with sometimes my cousin because he's one of my best buddies. William, as you may have noticed last summer and fall, was one as well but that didn't last and it will be impossible to return to that setting.

The one I am currently with (but not with) may be kicked out of the school here in a few days - lack of good grades and such. He wants to become an artist, but not an AiPD type artist. Think music, rap. Yeah. If he's kicked out, that will suck, however we have to keep in mind that I can't possibly feed off him while he tours in the future.

So he will be gone either very soon or sort of soon. Eek.

My on again of again best friend, Nathan (first boyfriend I ever had) has a girlfriend. I found this out recently and it's kind of hard for me to swallow. There's some peculiarities to the whole situation I don't really agree with in the first place, but other things don't help (she's the jealous type to the point she made a necklace for him to wear instead of the one he had been wearing since two months into our own relationship... five years ago.)

He's out of the question. Don't get me wrong, he's there for me, but to an extent. I get... flirty (read: slutty) when I need someone, and I'm sure she'd just LOVE that. Also if I lean on him enough there will be a time when for any reason he'd have to choose between me and her - and in that condition I wouldn't be able to take it if I was abandoned and I have no right to be chosen over her.

And here I am in Portland, I don't do well in long distance situations well at all. I love Will, I do, but I used to always have an alternative, in a way. Now, when I might need one, I don't have one.

I can't find anyone new because I'm antisocial and spaz out, especially when I don't have anyone to back me up.

Fuck you life.